why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
