i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize