I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
