So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize