I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have post one night stand depression
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