awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
