The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
