I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
