This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
