I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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