it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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