You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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