THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
