im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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