I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
false alarm. still invincible.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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