I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
