What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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