She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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