Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
