my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
