Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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