I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
