some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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