This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
