This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was CRYING into my vagina
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
