fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
