Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
