I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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