I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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