i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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