Life is so much better after having sex.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
