God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
