Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
