drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
