sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
