I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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