Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
