evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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