I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
