I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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