I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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