Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
