there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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