I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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