I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
