I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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