I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
