Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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