after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
