so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
