nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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