Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
