I accidentally had phone sex last night
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
they're like a gay fantastic four
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
