My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
