It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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