her vagine was all disorganized.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
