WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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