I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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