I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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